A Divine Purpose That I Cannot Understand

Here I crumble, here I sit,

Cursing now, “I am so sick of this shit!”

It has been with me now for too long

Making me weak when I should be strong.

“I am but a man, an imperfect one,” I cry

Choosing to believe my own made up lie.

I understand exactly what I want;

Nothing.  Nothing.

“I need to take it easy on myself, I need to hold back, positively phrase,

those words and those questions I so desperately raise.”

But to tell the truth, I have come to discover,

What comes around once, will come around another

time

Albeit a different day and different place,

There is no need to save this face

From melancholy moods or desperate stares,

I know what haunts me, I know what cares

I keep upon these shoulders though they grow too frail,

“Give it up to someone or something, before I surely fail!”

Well isn’t that the most amazing,

Awesome,

Super,

Radiant,

Revelation of them all.

If only it were that easy.

I have cast these burdens, these vices of mine,

I have cast them off time after time.

They return, sometimes after months gone by,

Stronger than before, they lead me to try,

Whatever I can to rid myself of their grip,

But no matter how long, how hard, how much I persevere, I slip,

And gently tumble even further then before

As I gleefully mourn what is now in store.

You may wonder, why with glee, I accept

The thing that I hate most.

I tell you, it is not me that accepts,

But another part of me altogether;

This part denies my dreams,

Forgets my successes,

Casts out my friends and family,

And gladly confesses

That his true goal is to befriend apathy

And watch me fall with utmost sympathy.

He wins with ease, time is on his side

Sooner or later, I can no longer abide

By something more, something pure, something right

That I give up, cast down, and call the good fight.

It has all been in vain.

It has all been in vain.

It has all been for nothing, it is a vain pursuit.

Nothing.



But now, resuscitating my very life is something I cannot understand

Be it of the powers that be, a wonderful grand master plan.

For as quickly as I fall, face first in the mire,

I am pulled from the valley and taken even higher.

Above from something, I respect the difficult fight,

And know that no matter how hard it may get, no matter how low I may be, how far I may fall,

I can still see the Light!

Grabbing hold of that truth

In my drunken youth

I attempt to reconcile

The course of a mile

And measure myself

By emotional health

While all along knowing

There is something more.

Discovering now

That no matter how

I see the future

It cannot see me.

There is no destiny

No perfect chi,

No complacency

In this place.

No obtrusive stare,

No haughty glare,

No mesmerized tear

Where struggle meets growth.

In this place,

In this face,

In this taste of reality

Are hurdles to be jumped,

Injuries to be overcome,

Mountains to be climbed.

In this place,

In this struggle,

In this God-forbidden,

But God-allowed,

Hamstrung but elastically free

Down & out

Far & wide

Translucent, incandescent, enlightened mindset

There has been and will always be

A divine purpose that I cannot understand.

Always and forever.

-11/25/09, MR